美国大学申请Common App话题5Essay范文《Give Goth a Chance》点评

The Title

In general, Carrie's title works fine. It clearly captures the subject of the essay -- approaching Goth with an open mind. Also, the allusion to John Lennon's Give Peace a Chance is appropriate given the song's message about acceptance and understanding. It's not a title that is highly original, and it isn't the best hook for grabbing the reader's attention, but it is still a solid title.

The Topic

Carrie takes a risk in her essay. When you read advice about college admissions interviews, you'll often be told to dress somewhat conservatively, get rid of the pink hair and remove all but the most innocuous piercings. The danger of looking too far out of the norm is that you may encounter an admissions officer who isn't open-minded or who feels disturbed or uncomfortable with your appearance. While we don't want to cater to people's biases, we also don't want to diminish our chances of getting into college.

Carrie, however, isn't one to tone down her identity during the admissions process. Her essay blatantly states "this is who I am," and she makes it the job of the reader to overcome his or her preconceptions. There is a slight danger that she will get a reader who refuses to accept the "Goth" culture Carrie describes, but I think most readers will love the way Carrie approaches her topic as well as her straight-shooting style. The essay has a level of maturity and self-confidence that the reader will find attractive. Also, the reader is likely to be impressed by the way that Carrie imagines her audience's reaction. She has clearly encountered prejudice before, and she preempts it when she imagines the admissions folks reading her essay.

Essay option #5 is a smart choice for Carrie's topic, for the essay certainly is about diversity. Carrie clearly shows how she will add an interesting and desirable element to the campus community. The essay demonstrates that she has thought about identity and diversity, that she is open-minded, and that she has a thing or two to teach others about their preconceptions and biases. She weaves in enough details about her passions and accomplishments to debunk any knee-jerk assumptions a reader might make about a Goth.

The Tone

Carrie's essay approaches her topic seriously, but it also has a pleasing smattering of humor. Little phrases like "I don't do sun" and "a tendency towards sarcasm" capture Carrie's personality in an economical manner that will also get a nice chuckle from her readers.

In general, the essay has a great balance of seriousness and playfulness, of quirkiness and intellect.

The Writing

The quality of the writing in this essay is superb, and it is even more impressive because Carrie is going into the sciences, not the humanities where we might expect to see stronger writing. The essay has no grammatical errors, and some of the short, punchy phrases reveal a high level of rhetorical sophistication. If you take apart the essay sentence by sentence, you'll notice a huge variety in sentence length and structure. The admissions officers will immediately recognize Carrie as someone who has a mastery of language and is prepared for college-level writing.

The length of the essay was fine for 2010 when it was written. In 2011, the Common Application implemented a 500-word length limit, so at 650 words, Carrie's essay would need to lose 150 words to comply today. Nevertheless, the essay manages to pack a lot of information into a short amount of space. The essays by Lora and Sophie are both strong, but both could use some cutting and revising to get the length down. Carrie writes economically; every word counts.

Final Thoughts

Think about the impression you have when you finish reading Carrie's essay. We feel that we have gotten to know her. She is someone with an offbeat appearance, but she is wonderfully comfortable with who she is. The self-confidence and self-awareness demonstrated in the essay will certainly impress her readers.

Carrie's essay teaches her reader something, and the mastery of language is remarkable. Admissions officers are likely to finish the essay thinking three things: 1) they want to get to know Carrie better; 2) they think Carrie would make a positive contribution to the campus community, and 3) Carrie's reasoning and writing skills are already at a college level. In short, Carrie has written a winning essay.