美国大学申请Common App话题6Essay范文《Eating Eyeballs》点评

The Title

Lora's essay has a great title. In fact, there's a good chance you read her essay because the title grabbed your attention. Even if the essay has some weaknesses (which all essays invariably do), the readers in the admissions office will remember her title.

The Topic

On one level, Lora's topic is rather trivial. After all, we all have foods we like and don't like. Nearly every kid finds certain meals disgusting. That said, Lora succeeds in taking a rather slight and commonplace topic and using it to say something about encountering a different culture. The essay isn't just about "gross" food. It's also about family, travel, social discomfort, maturation and introspection.

Lora was correct to submit her essay under #6 on the common application, "Topic of your choice." The essay could potentially fit under question #1: "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." However, is eating an eyeball (or a kidney or a lung) really a "significant experience"? Not everyone reading the application would think so. Topic #6 gives Lora a bigger umbrella under which to explore her rather unconventional subject.

The Tone

Lora's essay is certainly not as serious or philosophical as Sophie's essay. But put yourself in the shoes of the readers in the admissions office: do you want to read thousands of essays about personal tragedy, poverty or suffering? Of course not. A lighter essay is often a welcome change. However, an essay does need substance. If it has lots of laughs but little depth, the admissions folks aren't going to be impressed.

Lora strikes a nice balance on this front. Her essay is light and quirky beginning with its title and ending with Harry Potter. But it also has substance. We learn a lot about Lora through her discussion of food. By the end, we know that Lora is thoughtful, that she tries to overcome her biases, that she likes to travel, that she works hard to make a good impression.

The Writing

Probably the biggest problem with Lora's essay is the same problem that Sophie had: the essay is too long. At over 1,100 words, the essay is over twice the current length limit. Lora wrote the essay before the Common Application implemented the 500-word limit, but even so, the essay is longer than it should be. Many cuts could be made without removing any substance. Lora's prose is certainly clear and grammatical, but she does on occasion repeat words and phrases, and some small details don't add much to the overall essay. In a few places she uses many words where a few would do. As a quick example, consider the first item in Lora's bulleted list of gross foods:

Snails: I thought the sauce was delicious, but my imagination always brought up a picture of some oozing, yellow thing right before I bit into the actual snail.

A little rewording and we get a tighter sentence, and we go from 28 words to 21, a reduction in length of 25%:

Snails: the sauce was delicious, but I always imagined some oozing, yellow thing right before I bit into the actual snail.

Even with its length, Lora's essay shows that she can write. The essay has no glaring errors. It has has some pleasing structural elements such as the early mention of her four English language books and the conclusion with a French edition of Harry Potter. The essay is wonderfully accessible and down to earth. We get the impression that Lora is presenting her true self -- we don't get the feeling that she's abusing a thesaurus or having a professional editing service write the essay for her. Overall, the essay will convince the readers in the admissions office that Lora can handle college-level writing.

Final Thoughts

The greatest strength of Lora's essay is that we finish it feeling like we've gotten to know Lora. Is she the type of person we'd like to go to college with? Would she make a good roommate? Does she have a sense of humor? Is she thoughtful? Can she handle college writing? In all cases, yes.

However, this is an essay that easily could have gone astray. When applicants try to be clever and creative, they run the danger of writing something that's more fluff than substance.

Lora applied to six colleges: Brandeis University, Bard College, Gettysburg College, Hamilton College, Kenyon College, and Haverford College. All of these schools accept fewer than 40% of applicants, so Lora took some risks by not having any clear safety schools. Lora took challenging classes in high school, and she earned 4s on four AP exams. She had well-above average SAT scores (2020 combined verbal/math/writing) and was actively involved in dance, equestrian and church.

Lora received no rejection letters, a testament to her strong academic record and her memorable essay. The chart below shows where Lora was accepted and waitlisted. She accepted the offer of admission from Bard College.