美国大学申请Common App话题3Essay范文《Student Teacher》点评：

The Topic

This sample college admissions essay was written by Max for personal essay option #3 of the Common Application: "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." This option tends to lead rather predictable essays that focus on the typical heroes of high school students: a parent, a brother or sister, a coach, a teacher.

From the first sentence, we know that Max's essay is going to be different: "Anthony was neither a leader nor a role model." Max's strategy is a good one, and the admissions folks who read the essay will most likely be pleased to read an essay that isn't about how Dad is the greatest role model or Coach is the greatest mentor.

Also, essays on influential people often conclude with the writers explaining how they've become a better people or owe all of their success to the mentor. Max takes the idea in a different direction--Anthony has made Max realize that he isn't as good of a person as he had thought, that he still has much to learn. The humility and self-critique is refreshing.

The Title

Max's title is perhaps a little too clever. "Student Teacher" immediately suggests a student who is teaching (something that Max is doing in his narrative), but the true meaning is that Max's student taught him an important lesson. Thus, both Anthony and Max are "student teachers."

However, that double meaning is not apparent until after one has read the essay. The title by itself does not immediately grab our attention, nor does it clearly tell use what the essay will be about.

The Tone

For the most part, Max maintains a pretty serious tone throughout the essay. The first paragraph does have a nice touch in the way that it pokes fun at all the cliché activities that are typical of summer camp.

The real strength of the essay, however, is that Max manages the tone to avoid sounding like he is bragging about his accomplishments. The self-criticism of the essay's conclusion may seem like a risk, but I'd argue it works to Max's advantage. The admissions counselors know that no student is perfect, so Max's awareness of his own short-comings will probably be interpreted as a sign of maturity, not as red flag highlighting a defect in character.

The Writing

At just a little over 700 words, Max's essay is too long for the current guidelines of 250 to 500 words. When Max wrote the essay, however, the Common Application did not have a length limit and 700 words would not have been a problem. This is particularly true because the prose is never wordy, flowery, or excessive. The sentences tend to be short and clear, so the overall reading experience isn't labored.

The opening sentence grabs our attention because it isn't what we expect for this essay option. The conclusion is also pleasingly surprising. Many students would be tempted to make themselves the hero of the essay and state what a profound impact they had on Anthony. Max turns it around, highlights his own failures, and gives the credit to Anthony.

The balance of the essay isn't perfect. The prompt on the Common Application tells us to "indicate a person who has had an significant influence" on us, and then "describe that influence." Max's essay spends far more time describing Anthony than it does describing Anthony's influence. Ideally, Max could cut a couple sentences from the middle of the essay and then develop a little further the two short concluding paragraphs.

Final Thoughts

Max's essay, like Felicity's essay, takes some risks. It's possible an admissions officer would judge Max negatively for exposing his biases. Also, Max skirts some touchy issues when he talks about race. The essay could easily stray into a rather uncomfortable display of hierarchical racial positioning if Max were to present himself as the white kid from the suburbs who became the mentor of the poor minority kid from the inner city.

I believe Max avoids these traps and writes an effective and compelling essay. In the end, Max presents himself as someone who is a leader (he is designing and teaching a class, after all) and as someone who is aware that he still has much to learn. These are qualities that should be attractive to most college admissions folks.